Today I discovered that a dear friend of mine has been, for the most part, reduced to an empty, concrete shell of her once glorious self. The floors of vibrant paint, cluttered and confusing hallways and weird wallpaper have all been gutted down to the very backbone of the building itself.

Like a body left without brain function, I feel like I can almost declare the building dead. A part of me is terribly upset, but a part of me reluctantly accepts change and looks towards a brighter future.

Restoration or not, I'm beginning my mourning as of right now.

I like it when my phone gets recalled so I get a free replacement and a $25 credit, when my fears are put to rest and when I actually have an excuse to eat food at the end of the day! Man, what a great day!

So my first semester in Gr. 12 went off without a hitch - 94 in Math, 92 in Fitness, 91 in Bio and 89 in Leadership. I could have done better, but I'm at least a little bit proud. This semester is going to be absolutely brutal though - Physics, English, Spare and Chem. I dunno how I'm going to fit in time for all my fitness goals but I think I'll somehow manage - I'm seriously sick of getting "plateaowned". I just finished the longest week of my life - babysitting Moo for 7 days without a break. It was fun though!

Otherwise, life is good. Still heavier than I'd like but I can't complain, compared to how I used to look I'm doing great. I'm totally looking forward to Italy - I have to avoid the temptation to spend like crazy right now because all I want to do is go shopping! My next physical at the gym is on Feb. 23rd - gotta get leaner before then! Kickboxing soon, and then on to bigger and better things! I think I'm going to try training for a 10K. It'll be hard but I'd imagine worth it.

Also, T-Shirt Hell is closing down. Which is balls. :(

Toodles!

I call this "Hamilton".

Minutes turn into hours,
and the clock ain't slowing down.
The air's become too thick to breathe
in this claustrophobic town.
Rain freezes as it falls
from the clouds that haunt the sky.
Behind each yellowed smile,
lies a fear, so well disguised.

Could you spare a word?
Could you spare a smile?
Could you even spare a glance?
'Cause I've lost my home,
and I've lost all hope,
and I don't stand a chance.

So let's turn pain into pleasure
with the only thing we have left.
Close your eyes, just close your eyes,
feel your heart pound in your chest.
We can't go back, we've come too far,
wasted every chance to set things right,
just sit back and enjoy the sickness,
pray we make it through the night.

Could you spare a quarter?
Could you spare a dime?
Could you even spare a cent?
'Cause the high's worn off,
and I'm so hungry,
but I haven't anything left.

So, I understand that I haven't been updating this thing very much. Hm. Well, there was Halloween. I got really drunk and vaguely remember wandering through Church street in Toronto and feeling horribly boxed in. Spent the last few weekends with Dave, which have been wonderful. Then there was the whole fiasco with him crashing his car the same day he signed the lease for an apartment. School has been kicking my ass, I've got a zillion and one things to do. Christmas is on the way and my bank account is suffering - making my payments for Italy is going to be pretty difficult for the next while.

As of right now, I'm sick. I woke up on Saturday with horribly swollen tonsils, and by Saturday night the common cold began kicking me in the face. Sunday I went out to the Brickworks with Jay and Dave - what a bad, bad idea. By the end of the night I was in so much pain my eyes were watering while I typed up my mom's(!)paper for her college course. I was sniffling and coughing all day, had a horrible headache and was so cold I couldn't feel my feet. I'm taking the day off tomorrow to just relax, rest, and try and beat this damnable illness and catch up on school work.

Lately it's just been a lot of irrational fears and irrational thoughts. I keep thinking I'm going to fail my next test, or that Dave doesn't love me anymore, or that all of my friends are just going to decide I'm not worth their time, or I'm going to break something expensive like my camera, or that my parents are going to find out every single one of my secrets, etc etc. My mom bought me these new stress and anxiety pills that might just help. I've been finding that I pace insistently and my little obsession with numbers (weight & calories) has become exponentially worse. I'm also convinced my boobs are shrinking and falling some more. Woo.

As for the "other" issues, the doctors still haven't done anything worthwhile for me. While the referral is still available, it's too much of a risk to have those kinds of doctors phoning my house, and the GP doesn't always heed my demands of "CALL MY CELL PHONE". It would be so much easier if I didn't have to tip toe around this issue like the plague.

Time to take a bath with the toaster.



I FUCKING WANT ONE.
P.S. I like cough syrup.

Ugh, I hate Thanksgiving. Actually, I hate almost everything right now. School is stressing me out to no end. I collected everything I needed for today yesterday and sent in all my assignments with my sister so I could take the day off. Slept in till 1 PM - it was glorious! I've been working non-stop helping mom get ready for Thanksgiving. Great. The two things I hate the most - food and family. Other than that, I got a bit of a creative streak today and decided to create a stencil of one of the ideas I had floating around in my head.



I drew the wings myself.. silhouette and feather were taken from stock sites. It was fun. I'm supposed to be seeing Dave on Sunday, which will be nice. He seems so stressed lately, sounds like this upcoming week is going to murder him. Poor guy... at least now he'll have oodles of cash to get an apartment. That is, if his heart doesn't give out before he moves into one.

Doctors still haven't done anything useful for me. Oh well.
C'est la vie.

I'm sitting here this morning still smiling from last night, but I'm also smiling because it would seem that our previous little scare was for naught. To be quite frank, I woke up this morning and it looked like my vagina had murdered someone, which was like a sign from the heavens to me.

But I'm still worried now - why was I spotting before my period and having severe cramps? My body's all fucked up and the doctors seemingly have no answers. I'm starting to get very, very sick of playing cat and mouse with these guys - but what other choice do I have? I was better off before I even called the doctors about stuff, funny how that works. It's also amusing that every time I call, the line is busy. Canada's health care may be free, but it's also completely fucked up.

But anyway. Despite a few hours of us both being tired and cranky, I had a wonderful evening with Dave last night. I really, really needed it after such a long week. I hated coming home and going to sleep alone, but I couldn't stop smiling. It's funny how happy someone can make you with little more than a kiss and a hug.

Toodles!

I'm disgusted by every square inch of my body.

I hate being the fat kid in gym class.

I hate being embarrassed by who I am.

That is all.

To Kevin, who forced me to write this book, and to my friends, who have shaped me into the person I am today.

▪

Introduction

I always told myself that when I got around to writing a book I’d have a gripping introduction full of charm and witty humour. Needless to say, I’ve been staring at the screen for the last twenty minutes waiting for that much needed stroke of brilliance to hit me in the face. It still hasn’t. Perhaps it’s because the issues in this book are a bit touchy… or perhaps it’s the fact that I’m succumbing to these wonderful herbal sedatives and consequently can’t stop staring at the blinking cursor. One might argue that trying to write a book while on drugs is stupid; however, as a teenager stupid things are pretty much expected of me.

At the present time I’m a week shy of seventeen, and I most certainly fit the description of your average rebellious teenager. I had all the makings of a normal childhood: a quiet house on a boring suburban street, overly demanding parents and a horribly annoying little sister. I was cut out of my mother’s womb early on August 31st, 1991, and I damn near killed her in the process. My parents lovingly claim they’ve had a hard time with me ever since. As a baby I frequently forced myself to vomit in the middle of the night simply because I wanted attention, but during the day I sat in a corner and giggled to myself for hours. While I wasn’t entertaining myself by means largely unknown, I was exploring my surroundings and, apparently, trying to get myself killed. I had a habit of saying “hello” to unfamiliar (and unfriendly) dogs and trying to stick objects in electrical plugs.

Preschool is largely a blur, with the exception of when I hit another little girl in the face with a plastic bucket and split her lip. I can vividly recall running from the teacher in terror, knowing full well that I was in for one hell of a spanking. The earlier years of elementary school are also difficult to recollect, save for the time I took home most of the class’ plastic dinosaur set. Getting up into the middle years of my time at Holy Spirit Ukrainian Catholic School brings back bad, bad memories. Like any kid I was awkward, managed my changing body horribly and had quite a bit of puppy fat. It didn’t help that my teeth were horribly crooked, I had glasses that made me look like Bubbles from the Trailer Park Boys and my hair seemed like it was constantly trying to expand outwards. In the following years my self esteem took horrible blows, which it never quite recovered from, and I became every bully’s favourite target. As if it wasn’t bad enough at school, I had to return home to marital tension and further teasing each afternoon.

At the age of thirteen I left that small, underfunded school and made the big jump into high school. Coming from a small catholic institution exclusively full of Caucasians, seeing coloured people in large numbers was like seeing a pride of lions in a parking lot. For the first time I was exposed to fistfights, public displays of affection, sex and drugs. Over time, this became the new norm; we all did it, we were all at one time stupid kids that did stupid things. While we may not have all experimented with drugs or had a pregnancy scare, we all had at least one thing that we regret.

As for me, I’ve done plenty of things that most adults would call stupid. Most of them, actually, would also be classified as downright illegal. Certainly, at the very least, my parents would be (and will be once they finish reading this,) deeply ashamed and most likely horrified. So much so that if they manage to find this before I move out, I’ll either be kicked out anyway or sent away for serious psychiatric treatment. I wouldn’t say I regret any of it though, at least not yet. Perhaps in a few years when my cerebral cortex has grown in a bit more I might look back at all this and ask myself just what the hell I was thinking, or I may smile and fondly recall the days of a relatively carefree existence when I could get away with downright stupidity.

This book is all about what my teenage years were like for me, with all of the stupidity, confusion, excitement and the life lessons that, had it not been for recklessness, would have gone unlearned.

Being a teenager isn’t always easy – but it sure can be fun.

Lyrics from a song that really struck a chord with me:

And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?

Nana was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago but opted not to tell the family before they left for camping. Needless to say I'm worried for her, but also for my mother and myself. Suddenly the reality of cancer and death is all too real. Nana's 73 years old - could this be the end of the line? We won't know if it's spread to her lymph nodes until the 11th... it just all seemed so sudden. Apparently, it's just about the size of a pea, is encapsulated and is being removed on the 11th as well... but there's no guarantee that'll be it.

On a better note, dad bought me a polarized filter for my camera, and I don't think I need to work tomorrow.